A Glimmer of Hope Amidst Financial Strain and Unwavering Faith
Date: June 14, 2025
Today, that familiar suffocation lingers, the unspoken pain that greets me first thing in the morning. Financial scarcity is no longer just a problem; it's become a monster that has gripped every aspect of our lives. When my child's eyes long for something more at the dinner table and I feel helpless, my heart sinks. The wardrobe feels empty too, and during festivals, a quiet ache rises, wishing we could buy something new. This isn't just an external lack; it's an inner void that hides behind every smile.
What stings the most is the humiliation I face due to not being able to earn. Sometimes, it feels like my entire identity, my self-respect, is buried under the weight of this inadequacy. People's glances, their unspoken taunts, or sometimes even direct words – they pierce my heart like arrows. For a moment, I wonder, am I truly useless? This pain is so profound that many nights are spent just tossing and turning.
I remember the comfortable and carefree life I had under my parents' wing. Every small and large need was met in an instant; there were no worries. Today, when I look at my little daughter, my heart aches. Looking at her, I feel like I can't give her even 10% of my own childhood. I pray that she never faces any lack, but the reality is different. The fear of not being able to fulfill her small dreams constantly haunts me. My only hope is that when she's a little older, perhaps I can earn something by giving tuitions, and to some extent, fulfill her needs. The little income I have now is simply not enough. Meeting daily expenses feels like climbing a mountain. I keep wondering when these difficult days will change, when life will become a little easier again.
Navigating Stress and Meditation: An Inner Battle
Beyond these external struggles, a major battle rages within me. For the past few days, stress has been so overwhelming that my mind is completely restless, and because of this, I haven't been able to meditate at all. I've deeply realized this – when the mind is stressed, all its energy gets pulled towards that stress. Instead of focusing in one place, this energy starts to scatter, like water spreading without direction. A whirlwind of thoughts churns in my mind; peace is nowhere to be found.
In contrast, when the mind is calm, when it's a stress-free mind, then that same energy can be directed towards an ultimate direction. Only then does true meditation occur; an inner stability arrives, and it feels as though I'm connected to the cosmos. Earlier, I used to feel so much guilt about this. I'd think, my ultimate goal is spiritual growth, meditation, so why do I get caught up in these worldly entanglements? Why does my mind get so stuck in these external things? This guilt made me even more restless. But now, I've learned to forgive myself. I've understood that these entanglements are a part of life, and one can only move forward by accepting them. This was the first step towards self-compassion, and I feel it's the most essential and significant change. Accepting myself, understanding my limitations – this brings me more peace now than before.
God's Unwavering Love: Experiencing a Divine Presence
And despite all this, there's one thing within me that sustains me, that saves me from breaking every time. It's my unwavering faith that God loves me endlessly. I feel that no matter how much I waver, despite my many mistakes, He doesn't stop loving me; He never forgets me. This isn't just a mere imagination but a real experience.
I've not just once, but many times, strongly felt His presence. It's a feeling difficult to describe in words, but it's so deep and true that there's no doubt about it. Yes, it's true that meditation doesn't happen when I'm stressed; at that time, my mind keeps racing. But God's divine presence has been felt many times in my life.
This feeling sometimes feels like He's right beside me, watching me every moment. Sometimes it feels like He's within me, in every breath. Sometimes it feels like He's pervading everything outside, in every particle of nature. His compassionate, loving eyes are looking at me, and I feel a deep, calm sensation within me. As if He's saying, "I am with you." This feeling tells me that even in this difficult time, I am not alone. It gives me courage; it inspires me to move forward.
Even today, amidst all these troubles, despite these uncertainties, I just feel... Never mind, everything will be alright. This is just a phase, and by God's grace, this too shall pass. I just need to maintain my faith and take small steps every day. Life is a struggle, but in this struggle, my God is with me, and that is the greatest strength.
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